http://i45.tinypic.com/2j3fwg4.jpg

koopz walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

koopz replied, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

boom tish

oldy but a goody

rimshot!

It's Friday.

That means by the time koopz sees this he'll be drunk (on Boags) and his post will be sung to "Boom shake the room" by DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince.

Not your best Pinky.

Not your best Pinky.

Bulls***! Noone complained until post #6 and that's you, baby!

Two drum clashes and an 'oldy but a goody' comment makes this my most successful joke thread yet!! I'm on the up and up. Selling shares in my joke company if anyone wants to buy into something good.

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her openly: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and
Says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

fuuuuuuckk!!!!

lol tequila

Bulls***! Noone complained until post #6 and that's you, baby!

The tab was open too long and in that time others responded. I was aiming to be first.

Two guys in the desert.
No water
They see a house in the middle of nowhere and theres a real dog ugly woman inside
She says she'll look after them if they take turns having sex with her
So the first guy goes upstairs with her and he tells her to close her eyes and he grabs a banana and does her with it, and she is satisfied and gives him some water.
Then he goes outside while the 2nd guy goes up for his turn.
A few minutes later the 2nd guy sticks his head out the window and goes "did you get the water?"
"yeh - what did you get?"
"bananas and cream"

Three guys are exploring jungle when they get captured by a tribe.

Chief says to first one, "You have the right to choose between death and bunda!"

First guy thinks death not good, says, "I'll take bunda"

Tribe cheers and they tie him up bent over a tree stump and take turns having their way with him.

Other two guys watch on in horror.

Chief says to second one, "You have the right to choose between death and bunda!"

Second guy really horrified but doesn't want to die says, "I'll take bunda"

Tribe cheers and they tie him up bent over a tree stump and take turns having their way with him.

Chief says to last guy, "You have the right to choose between death and bunda!"

The third guy, plucky and courageous, unwilling to be degraded and treated in that way he says proudly, "I'll take death!"

Silence falls on the tribe.

Then the loudest cheer of all goes up!!! "DEATH BY BUNDA, DEATH BY BUNDA!!!!"

ugh joke threads

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.
She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young Aussie sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded, yes.
"After all, what do I have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe will give my life new meaning."


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, telling her she had to stay there and never leave her hiding place, no matter what.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.


Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain .....
"What do you think your doing here?" the captain demanded.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."


''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

A man is lost in the outback and he comes across a camp where there is a bushtucker man type guy there.
The bushtucker man offers him some beans, and the man accepts.
The man can't help notice the plate is a bit dirty and comments about it. The bushtucker man says "It's ok, the plate has been washed by seven rivers."
The man drinks from his cup and notices that it too is dirty
"it's ok, the cup has been washed by seven rivers"

The man finishes his meal and hands the plate and cup back to the bushtucker man, who then calls out to his dog: *whistle* "Seven rivers, here boy.."

Maxe's joke best so far

The "Bunda" joke is the only one in here that's not incredibly old.

haha maxe.

^ last 3 people in the thread fail, maxe does not have the spirit of the thread, and his joke is old, and it is copy-pasted (I googled it)

Lol Tequila.

Gross Thermite.

Meh Maxe.

Lol Tequila.

Gross Thermite.

Meh Maxe.

*Insert ventriloquist* Yay Pinky!

Haha, can't believe I forgot you.

Pretty good Pinky. Got a lol out of me :)

^ last 3 people in the thread fail, maxe does not have the spirit of the thread, and his joke is old, and it is copy-pasted (I googled it)

I forgot this was one of those threads where you make up your own entirely new joke and type the whole thing out

soz guys

not in the spirit of the thread

The "Bunda" joke is the only one in here that's not incredibly old.

Is this sarcasm?
I remember this exact joke when I was in grade 5 or 6! I can't even remember how long ago high school was let alone primary school :/

I thought this wwas funny and it's not mine, and it's a video so not much effort required

jeez maxe

My jokes are clearly far better than maxe's but in the interest of freedom as in beer I support maxe's last post.

And yeah that Bunda joke is really old. I typed it out off the top of my head though, so that's worth extra points.

Oh awesome, a thread on QGL containing humour - we haven't had one of them
in a while...

haha teq as blasphemous as that is it got a laugh out of me.

What's invisible and smells like banana's?




















Monkey farts.

zing

heh I'll pay that

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No
matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say
'Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of your patients and you won't be the last and you are single,
just let it go'.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality
whispering 'Dave you're a f***ing vet'!

why do jewish men like to play porn movies backwards?

because they like the bit when the hooker gives the money back.

ahhahahahahahaha

edit: I mean, 'lol'.

Hahaha sLapper that is gold! Never heard that. Love it.

i rofled at bunda

maxe you're ruining thermite's internet

yeah props to maxe for the only joke i nearly laughed at :e

might be old but that's the first i'd heard of it

Do you like dragons?


Yea I like dragon my balls over your face.

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that Human Torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

i think saying 'thats what she said' at the right time is funnier than any jokes in this thread

I like slapping "That's what she said", "That's how it starts..." or "That's a bit forward..." after somebody says something even remotely suspect.

It's dynamite if you're on the phone to your power company or something and they say "OK I'm going to need your contact number". "Oh, that's a bit forward...". It's such a dad joke, but it kills.

yeah it's good stuff hey crizane

i love it when mega old people do it

i was working with a really old dude on a big A/V setup one time
i yelled to one of the lackeys 'it works better if you push it in'
and the old dude next to me (80 in the shade) mumbled to me "said the actress to the bishop"

Mrs Pinky and I were on a Daintree River cruise and the tour operator couldn't swing the engine on the skiff around, it became stuck somehow. He kicked it and it came free, then he said to about 15 people on the boat -"If it doesn't fit, force it" with a real cheeky smile on his face. Was a crack-up.

yeah it's good stuff hey crizane

i love it when mega old people do it

My old boss was like that. He's 66 and makes the funniest comments with a very deadpan delivery. It kills me.

This 40 year old dude at work just outright flirts and jokes with EVERYBODY on the phone. It's funny as f*** to listen to, and it actually gets a massively positive response from 99% of people. I've started doing it too now just from being around it so much. Like if somebody calls me for something and asks how I am, I'll say something like "better having spoken to you", or when a phone conversation is over and the other person says "bye", I slip in a "I'll miss you..." just before they hang up.

I like finding ways to entertain myself and others.

yeah it's good stuff hey crizane

i love it when mega old people do it

No its f***ing not, you're not the first person to do it and you're certainly not going to be the last. You can almost bet that the response to it will be an on-mute, off-mic "siiiiiiiigggghhhh", followed with a fake laugh and a "Yep, but I will need it - thanks"

No its f***ing not, you're not the first person to do it and you're certainly not going to be the last. You can almost bet that the response to it will be an on-mute, off-mic "siiiiiiiigggghhhh", followed with a fake laugh and a "Yep, but I will need it - thanks"

Back to your basement with you, grumpy. Dealing with people in a rewarding and engaging manner clearly isn't your thing.

It's all about delivery really. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Sure, elevently-billion people probably have said these corny jokes. I never claimed to be the first or the last, I'm just the best *flex*

thats what she said

I just got this in a text


WARNING PROTECT YOUR ASSETS! There is a new kind of key going around that can open 60% of cars and 40% of houses, it's called a DarKey.

thats what she said

thread finally delivers

thread finally delivers

Like your mum!

I hear if it's not warm when she gets there, it's free.

No its f***ing not, you're not the first person to do it and you're certainly not going to be the last. You can almost bet that the response to it will be an on-mute, off-mic "siiiiiiiigggghhhh", followed with a fake laugh and a "Yep, but I will need it - thanks"

Back to your basement with you, grumpy. Dealing with people in a rewarding and engaging manner clearly isn't your thing.

It's all about delivery really. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Sure, elevently-billion people probably have said these corny jokes. I never claimed to be the first or the last, I'm just the best *flex*

CT's spot on, exo. Don't be a hater.

Another gem I love that old mate at work uses is when somebody answers the phone and says "Blah blah company, Joe Speaking", he'll respond with "Hello Joe Speaking".

It's fun, really surprises some people.

A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream!"

i haven't heard that one before crusher.

pretty s*** joke

I loved that joke, Crusher. It got a giggle out of me!

CT, the one we use is if someone says, "Can I please talk to the person in charge of the telephone accounts." we reply that I'm sorry but we don't use that technology in the office. Then you wait for the pause and go on to talk about how our preferred communication method is by cup and draw-string, and that the quality of said method is quite pristine and we have never completely understood why the method isn't more popular these days.

Apparently they aren't allowed to hang up unless you are abusive or something because I've gone on like that for ages with multiple callers.

The other one is if they say, "Can I please speak to the person in charge of your IT department." then we say, "I'll just get em for ya." then leave em on hold for five minutes and give it to someone else in the office, they pick up and say "Oh sorry, you want the person in charge of the IT department!? I'll just put you through." and go round and round in circles until we're bored.

God you're an a****** pinky.

God you're an a****** pinky.

Actually, we view it as a community service. One that we're prepared to perform at work's expense. We say that for every minute we have kept the person on the line we've saved five innocents from a cold call.

I don't get calls from telemarketers :(

Wait these are telemarketers or people actually looking for help?

What's invisible and smells like banana's? Monkey farts. zing

Whats yellow, sits at the bottom of a tree and smells like Bananas?

Monkey Vomit!!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the Sydney Morning Herald that read:

"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network thirty years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Queensland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Beenleigh, Queensland, John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f**k all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

oh koopz thats so good it's not funny. I mean it IS funny but the goodness is serious.

Ahahaha koopz. I'm surprised you didn't do the ol' switch-a-roo on us.

A truckie going from melbourne to Perth picks up a hitchhiker. After a while the hitchhiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest.
A while later the hitchhiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BASH!, BASH!, BASH!".
"What's all the racket?" he asks the driver.
"I just hit an Abo"
"But what was all that other noise?"
"I had to go over two fences to get the bastard"