Q.what is one thing you never say in a gay bar
A.excuse me but can i bum a fag

budum ching

this next one isn't that funny but it is because it was told to me by a fransiscan monk

Q.what is the difference between a truck load of rocks and a truck load of babies??
A.you can't unload the truck load of rocks with pitch forks.

bahahah

hahahah

hehe, not too bad at all..

hahahaha thats good

lol mick :)

hehehehe

i get the first one, but i don't get the 2nd?

i admit the corner of my mouth raised a tiny bit ... 1/3 of a smile

but no laughing or giggles :(

someone else try :D

BAHAHAHAHA lol

I heard this one the other day
Q: Did you hear about whats happening to all the K-Marts in Iraq?
A: Theyre all being turned into targets.

eheh, now i laughed at that :D

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA i dont get it.

OMFG! THAT'S THE BEST JOKE (the second one) No, no sarcasm :P

haha. not bad.

i laughed more at hemerages post thatn anything else ;)

Q.what is the difference between a truck load of rocks and a truck load of babies??
A.you can't unload the truck load of rocks with pitch forks.

On the subject of baby jokes

Q. What’s brown and crispy and taps on windows?
A. Baby in a microwave

Q. What’s 2ft high, 6ft wide and can't walk through a door sideways?
A. A Baby with a javelin through its head

Q. What’s the difference between a witch’s wand and a policeman’s baton?
A. Ones for cunning stunts, the other is for stunning c***s

Q. What’s pink and yellow and floats in a pool
A. Dead baby

Q. Whats green and blue and yellow and lies at the bottom of a pool
A. Same baby, three weeks later

edit: yet another one
A truck driver is delivering some bowling balls to a bowling alley in Darwin. As he is driving along he sees to abbo’s with a push bike. He stops and tells them to hop into the back and they agree, and throw the bike on the back and take a seat with the rest of the bowling balls.

Some time later the truckie gets pulled over by the cops for a routine inspection. A young cop gets out and asks the truckie if he can have a look in the back. He casually climbs up the back and looks in the tray, and runs back to the car screaming.

When the cop gets to his car the other copper in the car asks. What the f*** is wrong with you….?

The young copper white faced replies “That’s a truck load of abbo eggs, and two of em have already hatched and stolen a bike.

hahah

BAAHAHAHAHAHA LOL. Good work Herbal

hahahahahahahahah that last one is funny as.

I read these a few days ago

The rules of bedroom golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf the the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lebgth to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players are advised to obtain owners permission before playing the back nine.

12. The course owner is responsible for the mancuring and pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with and approach to the hole.

13. slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstranding performance time permitting to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.



Girlfriend??

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
Girlfriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is run in background
mode and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, I can't find the switch
to turn the sound off. Therefore I have to run both of them separately.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program,
often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. On a
positive note, Drinking Buddies and Golf seem to have no incompatibilities
whatsoever. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0 but I
thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months
of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has experience
with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run
Girlfriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run
properly. He was right...as soon as I purged my cache, and realised that
no one in their right mind is installing new Token Rings, Girlfriend 2.0
uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta.
Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program and the first time I used it,
it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a
while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and installed a virus protection program. It worked ok for
a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I
tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but
Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the
presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in
some way. This results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogramable. Frankly I think
there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the
desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your
hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, and I've never
liked how Girlfriend is "object oriented".
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of girlfriend to
Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a terminate and Stay Resident version of
Girlfriend. He discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 expires within a year if you
don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0, so he did, but soon after that, he had to
upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has
taken up all his space...he can't load anything else. One of the primary
reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came supposedly
bundled with a feature called FreeSexPlus.... Particularly the new
Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a
well warmed up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask
for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw that has an automatic pop-up
feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but
he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself, then
Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

Little Johnny Learns about sex!!

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too cuz he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would, except he's not as smart as a doctor because he seemed having trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it up under her skirt. About this time sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally i found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long. Honest! Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said that it was the biggest one she's ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go - i guess it bite her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a mussle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there limp and some of its insides hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started kissing her agian. By GOLLY! The eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight back up and started to fight again, guess eels are like cats - they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, cause i saw sis's boyfriend peel the skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Women Jokes

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None - it should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why are women shorter than men?
So that they don't have to bend over when they are ironing.

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Whats worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she is told.

I married miss right. I just didn't know her first name was "always".

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
Wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus...
Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "what's on the TV?"
I said "Dust".

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither god nor man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young son: Is it true dad, I heard that in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine!"

A man meets a genie.
The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Ok give me a million pounds and beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

/me saves post #20 for a rainy day

http://members.optusnet.com.au/davidbroughton/nurple-pptime.gif

/me saves post #20 for a rainy day

i hear ya.

man that's so funny!!!!

Is this where I add another useless "hahahahahahaha" ????

yes

Why say it, just do it.

here is a few more.

what is the difference between a sky diver and a golfer??

the golfer goes whack f***
the skydiver goes f*** wack

If you meant it wasn't meant to offend for its total lack of sense or humour, mission unsuccessful.

Q: What dont you say at a gay bar ?
A: Can u push my stool in


And for those who dont know the alt meaning for stool

Stool:Fecal matter from a single bowel movement.

this joke is not ment to offend any one

Really I'm not racist, I live in the town of givawogabash, 30kms from the yellowslopeyedlake and between kickakoonalong and n*****boongdarkie.

Does this offend anyone.

Q: Why are there no afghani's on Star Trek?
A: Star Trek is set in the future.

Paragon, I'm sure you're more than familiar with that line...

OMFG YOUR BASHED AT QGL HUNTER MAEN &$&$($ why the f*** do u post here hunter ?

Why do you post here "paragon" (paragon of what, stupidity??)?

OMFG YOUR BASHED AT QGL HUNTER MAEN &$&$($ why the f*** do u post here hunter ?

Because you take the bait maybe?

Rofl hunter you dont know when to give up

Hunter do you have a dictionary in front of you the whole time when you are reading the forums or just when you aren't wacking off?

Bee Gees, 2003 'Staying Alive' World Tour tickets!

Now 33% off!

:)

LOL ineffable.

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant...
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant...
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant...
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant...
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant...
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant...
And in the USA they didn't know what 'rest of the world' meant.



The owner of a pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" "You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"



I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink.I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she
was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I
approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as
to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes
later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "f*** off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

That worldwide survey was conducted more than 1 month ago - I read the results here not very long ago ... with hilariating results.

Well, no point beating round the bush ... - "old"

What's 12 inches long and makes women scream in the Morning?

Cot-death.

now that is bad...

Oldie but a goodie. Well, not really.
And it's a bit long.

Second Richest man in the world (ie: not Gates) spies a nice lookin' bird in Sydney and decides she's the one he wants to Marry. She refuses (??) so he says "Look, tell me 3 things I have to do or have, and if I can do or if I can get those things, will you marry me?"
She sighs and thinks of something.. "I want a mansion in India made of solid gold" she says.
"Okay okay, I build I build" says the Man.. within a week is a big gold mansion in the middle of india.
She thinks a bit harder, and says "I want all my clothes, including my underwear, made with diamonds."
"Okay okay, I make I make" he says, within a week her entire wardrobe is made of diamonds.
She sat opposite a table to him and looked him in the eye "Look, I can't marry you unless you have a 12 inch penis" she says.
He sighed, looked down and looked quite disapointed. Then he looked to her again and says "Okay okay... I cut I cut!"

What's the worst thing about sex?

Washing the blood off your clown suit.

...

I agree ...

lol, erik and kandys posts were gold.

Because I have very little to do.

/me scratches through memory

Q. What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
A. You won't find a Ferrari in my garage.

Q. How do you get 50 dead babies in a phone booth?
A. A blender
Q. How do you get them out?
A. Corn Chips

I have some reasonably sick ones, but I've scarred a few too many people from telling them, so I'll stop now.

25 Rules that guys wished women knew >>>>
1) If you think your fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up - put it down.
3) Dont cut your hair, ever.
4)Sometimes where not thinking about you, live with it.
5) Get rid of your cat.
6) Sunday = sports.
7) Anything you wear is fine - really.
8) Women wearing wonderbras abd low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9) You have too many shoes.
10) Crying is blackmail
11) Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.
12) Mark anniversaries on a calender.
13) Yes peeing standing up is more difficult then peeing at point blank range. WE're bound to miss sometimes.
14) "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers
15) A headache that lasts for 17months is a problem, see a doctor.
16) Dont fake it, we would rather be ineffective then deceived.
17) Anything we said 6 to 8 months ago is inadmissable in an argument.
18) If you dont dress up like dawson creek girls, dont expect us to be like soap opera guys.
19) If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of those ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other way.
20) Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how pretty u are?
21) Dont rub the lamp if u dont want the genie to come out.
22) You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
23) Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.
24) You have enough clothes
25) Nothing says "i love u" like sex.


A man is driving up a steep, narow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. AS they pass each other the woman leans out of her window and yells "PIG".
The man immediately leans out of his window and screams out "BITCH". They continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig.