As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.



I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.
If I say "Rap" it plays rap.
If I say "Love" it plays love songs.
Three kids ran out in front of the car
and I said
"Fu*king kids!"
And it played Michael Jackson.

gay
&
gay

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP



1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.



2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.



3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.



4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.



5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.



6. You watch the Weather Channel.



7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."



8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.



9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."



10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.



11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.



13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.



14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.



15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.



16. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.



17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.



18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.



19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.



20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."



21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.



22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."



23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.



24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.



25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.



Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.



BONUS: When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s*$# - what happened?

I happened to pass a house with a little red light burning in front in an alley way in back of the London Hilton, so I stepped inside to see what may be on offer.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." I decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." and found myself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."


Truthful again, I went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found myself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, I entered the door marked "Once a night" and found myself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Bit dated but still entertaining.



You know the world is different when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'!" and the leader of Australia is flanked by Abbott and Costello!!!

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"