I was at a BBQ today, listening to 3 bitter and twisted brothers (all in their 40s) discussing what a c@#$ their father was, how screwed up their parent's marriage was in a period when divorce was not an option, and how their mum's life significantly improved after their father passed away.

It led to an interesting philosophical discussion about romance and relationships. For the record, 1 brother is single, the other 2 are divorced, and all 3 seem somewhat scarred by their childhood :P

So the debate topic is basically this:

Say you meet your soul mate, your perfect match, your "other half". Yeah sure, it's magic for a while. But in reality, they're going to end up pissing you off. There's no getting around it. You move in together, and soon realise that although they're still your soul mate, they're just not perfect. Nobody is.

So.... is the purpose of our romantic life to learn to tolerate others, and to live peacefully with someone who knows us so well, but can still irritate the crap out of us? Is it supposed to be a path of patience, and self-sacrifice, and making that old-fashioned life-long commitment to the other-half?

Or is it selfish to think we could hold out, until somebody better comes along? Assuming of course that we could meet a second soulmate - some people complain that it's hard enough to meet one in a lifetime.

So after that introduction, the ultimate question is this:
What is your preferred course of action? Do you stick with the soul mate, and learn to tolerate their annoying imperfections, or wait for someone better to come along? I guess the underlying sentiment is whether "settling down" equates to "settling for second best"


Discuss...


(For the record, today's discussion concluded that divorce makes the whole debate a moot point, but meh :D )

Why does the option have to be of waiting around for the next one to come along?
Why can't you jump ship before hand and go searching?

Staying with someone and really searching for someone else is weak...

If your not happy your not happy, find someone else?
If it's really small annoyances that don't actually effect the relationship then look past it? If it's annoyances that cause great conflict - best to part, no?

your not particularly good at leaving and never coming back are you loki

also, it's a moot point beacuse of porn.

also, porn.

but i'll go option a

I'd personally stay with the person forever, becuase after all if you love them enough and you know they love you back, then sure even if you do have some things that 'annoy' each other or come into some 'problems' then part of being a couple is dealing with it, working through it using each others strengths and weaknesses and in the end it should still be more than workable.

Remember Theres no such thing as a perfect couple. Everyone has their ups and downs however if you are still in love with each other, it should all be worth it in the end (and will). For me personally, my belief is for the woman I love, no matter what we go through, I will work through it and NEVER give up on it as long as we have love for each other.

At least thats what I think. If you know you have something special, in the greater picture small problems should be worth it in the end. :)

your not particularly good at leaving and never coming back are you loki

What the f***, since when did I say I was leaving here except for maybe 3 years ago or more, in which case, you need to get over it.

Maybe your not particularly good at comprehending?

last edited by Loki at 03:25:37 27/Feb/05

Loki - I didn't explain option 2 well enough.

It wasn't about jumping ship. It was about ending the relationship, and being single, with a chance of remarrying one day...

:)

Hrm, still refer to last three lines then i guess...

Also, have to catch up sometime it's been many months.

I'll take the physical challenge thanks tony.

No one is perfect and you will never ever find someone 'perfect'. There are plenty about my partner that give me the right royal s***s and the same when it comes to me giving him the s***s.

But love is acceptance. I love him and I accept him for the person he was yesterday and the person he isn't today.

I believe that if you can't tolerate them, then they aren't your soulmate.

last edited by Kat at 09:05:18 27/Feb/05

I love my fiance because of her imperfections, not despite them.

i just think some people are wired differently, I have a few mates whom I have no doubt in my mind love their gf's and would fall apart if they broke up - but they still cheat on them regularly, why? Because 'its just sex' - I don't agree with it but I can understand it. In one of those cases its a mutual thing and they have an 'open relationship' and they are one of the happiest couples I know.

Personally I'm simply not interested in other women, if I ever felt the urge to cheat I'd leave, simple as that.

That said I know some couples that simply despise each other yet still stay together - its just f***ing weird.

People think Chris and I hate eachother. We argue a lot, we whinge about eachother. We're both far-from-perfect beings (he's more perfect than I ever hope to be tho') and yet, despite the fact that one minute we'll be 'so in love' and the next minute I'll be yelling at him for something-or-other, we'll stay together, because, despite all that yelling and our imperfections.. hell I love the boy with all my bits and everytime I see him he takes my breath away again. and I'm stupidly happy.

I don't know that I believe it 'soul mate' garble.. but I do believe that once you fall in love, it's that and you know it. And you will love that person with their faults forever. Even if you do leave them, they'll always be there.

If you do believe in that soulmate crap and you meet your soulmate and they s*** you to the point of unhappiness, maybe you need to step back and wonder if it really is your soulmate?

I'll be yelling at him for something-or-other

Isn't respect a large part of love? How can you love someone you 'yell at' or people think you don't like?

I am not saying you can't disagree, but if you give off the image that you hate each other and whinge a lot about each other how can that be called love?

edit: wow that was freaky, I posted it and it didn't show up for a few minutes

last edited by Kat at 12:17:42 27/Feb/05

We have disagreements, we argue, I'm a yeller so I yell.

Then I generally sulk, he sulks and 10 minutes later we love eachother again :P

I respect him completely and he respects me :) We just yell. :P

Grosby, I can understand that. I used to be a yeller, but I just put it down to, I was with the wrong person and the only way I could get my point across was yell.

I get called a 'fight picker' now, however I don't see myself as that :)

Naw, I put it down to my upbringing.

That was the only way disagreements happened in my house with my family. I've been trying to stop yelling :p

I have found that over time I have mellowed because I know my behaviour (yelling and not leting things go) upset my partner. I wouldn't dare upset him intentionally and therefore saw it as a step forward for both of us.

Of course, if he to was a yeller, etc, then I think I wouldn't have changed so much.

At the end of the day, this debate only works if you have both sides of the partnership sharing their opinion

Yeah, I don't upset him that much, he normally yells abck (I taught him that one, the loudest yeller wins!)

And when I say yell, we're not having a full on domestic that the neighbours hear, just a 'i'm so letting you know that i'm pissed off with this' :P 85% of our arguments is just both of us pouting :P

end of the day, hes dating a slut

end of the day, hes dating a slut

Don't talk about Grosby like that!

I'm very f***ed up about my parents and s***. Basically I think I and they would have been better off if my parents had never met.

Because I dont want to pass all the mental illness genes onto my kids ... I'm not gonna have any kids. Its hard to carry this sort of baggage around and maintain a relationship.

I am never breaking up with Bad. Never evar!

Seriously though, my parents are still pretty happy and they've been married for ages. They did it properly though, they were married for 10 years without kids, went traveling and enjoyed themselves and then had kids. If you meet someone and 6months later marry and have a kid, well i guess that's less likely to work as you do not know each other fully.

sLaps_Forehead - Most things that happen to us can't be undone, but they can be worked on.

If you meet someone and 6months later marry and have a kid, well i guess that's less likely to work as you do not know each other fully.

Having a kid has nothing to do with it. I know plenty of people who have known each other for less than a year and who have gotten married. Kids had nothing to do with it

last edited by Kat at 13:45:00 27/Feb/05

Well i think having a kid has something to do with it. It locks people in and forces them to do something together. If they do not know each other fully then it can create problems.

I don't have kids, but i am just using logic ( for once.)
I know you have a crotch spawn, but.. you are a single mother and i don't know if you can really comment on having a healthy relationship with its biological father . You do have as much right as anyone to an opinion.. but if you were going to use the excuse of ' Oh i have a kid ok i know better 'then.. dont.

I'd like to have kids soon.. Chris and I have been together for 5 years this year!! And married for 1 :D I guess you have to get past the 'let's have kids because that's what couples do' mentality (normally in the first couple of years, from what I've seen) and then 'We want to have kids because we want to, not because we have to'

I know you have a crotch spawn, but.. you are a single mother and i don't know if you can really comment on having a healthy relationship with its biological father . You do have as much right as anyone to an opinion.. but if you were going to use the excuse of ' Oh i have a kid ok i know better 'then.. dont.

I don't even recall mentioning anything about me having a kid so therefore I know better. I was simply commenting that some people get married to early regardless of if they have a kid or not. Not to mention in today's society, having a kid doesn't automaticly mean you have to stay together, let alone get married.

All I was trying to do was to point out that there were flaws in your premise

last edited by Kat at 14:21:14 27/Feb/05

so are you a single mum Kat? What happened?

comedy 'sex change' option

spoon has so many repressed sexual feelings towards kat he hides behind lame and really old comments.

hmmm seems that way.

Go have wank spoon!

no matter how much some girl would annoy me if we lived together I can almost say 100% sure that I would annoy her more :)

If it was meant to be, the relationship would survive no matter what. If you break up then it just wasn't meant to be.

What the? Deep and meaningful thread on qgl? Crazy.

Why not? The forum has been a bit boring lately.

A relationship imo is like a bank account with over draft.

Sometimes you have lots of savings, sometimes you are deep in debt.

If you have LOTS of savings and you aren't happy with the services, maybe its time to get a better interest rate somewhere else. If you are deep in debt then maybe you need to refinance somewhere else or hope like hell the bank doesn't call in the collectors.

Obes, I am glad one of us see's how it is like a bank account. Because it doesn't make sense to me

I am just dribbling s***.

lol wtf obes

Obes++

i like your analogy obes.

In the immortal words of Bobby Mcferrin: Dont worry, be happy.

Life is too short to waste time in jobs, relationships, or any other situation which make you unhappy. Because really, what is life if not the pursuit of happiness?

I've had more fun in my life since i've been in a relationship and gotten a decent job than I ever did back when I was a bum. Life comes with ups and downs, and I think as long as you have more ups than downs you've lived a great life :)

After being in semi serious relationships (im 17 nothing can be that serious) i seriously doubt that i will ever find the person that is right for me, im more likley at the age of 70 sittin on my front porch with a few of my old mate drinking a beer remenicing the old days, well thats my thoughts on the subject in my teenage mind. The subject is somewhat dounting[sp?], to think that you might be old and lonley, having friends move on or even pass away.

Maybe when im older and more mature will realise that there is someone out there that will bring me more happyness, but for the time being im doing fine by myself. Though without a doubt i will come to need a companion, just like everyone does, weither it be a dog, lover, soulmate or even the interweb. but hey its all in fates hands so to speak.

thats just my 2 cents. flame away.

last edited by JigZie at 04:45:26 28/Feb/05

wow jigzie, that was a fairly sound piece of prose there, well done!

If you end up being old and alone, just head down to the bowls club with a good suit and schmoose all the ladies.

Tuco: stop hitting on my grandma at the bowls club and come on msn

In the immortal words of Bobby Mcferrin: Dont worry, be happy.

Too bad he wasn't immortal eh?

LOLOMG

"Don't worry, be happy" .....BANG

I like it too spidz...

But I will pretend it was crazy talk then no one will argue with it.

when people see my girlfriend and i, the word most used is dysfunctional. we will yell at each other, argue over stupid things, sometimes fight and bicker constantly, but its all tongue in cheek. weve been best friends for almost a year now, known each other since high school, and have been living together for 8 months and going out for 4... we spend every minute possible together and i can safely say im going to marry her one day.

you can tell if something works, i know we work based on how there is never periods of time that i dont want to be with her, even the random time spent cleaning the house or cooking dinner, is time cherished.

our friends are sometimes amazed at the fact that we can spend so much time with each other, and not get pissed off. its usually little things that we argue about, and thats just to vent from our days work, not even minutes later we are back to normal.

we were both worried for a little while that we would burn out with each other, but i cant see that happening now, its just been perfect. i also believe she is my soul mate, the fact that i cant find anything to get angry at her specifically about even when im pissed off at life, and the fact she cant do the same about me, is cool imo :)

looking at my friends, i see at least 3 other couples in the same position, there are others with partners, but they are nowhere near as intense and happy as we are, and i worry about that. the whole being together for convenience thing really scares me, and im glad that isnt the way with us.

They say you really know you love a person when you love them for their faults.

I say that life is too short to settle on mediocrity. Relationships ought to be like breathing...sure, you can think about breathing in and out consciously...but why? Breathing is a totally natural automatic thing that doesn't require you thinking about it.

If you have to constantly "work" on your relationship, you're wasting brain power - go find someone where it clicks without effort. It's not impossible - you just need to have to bollocks to be picky. :P

How could you possibly date someone and never argue/yell etc, its one of the best parts of a relationship. The passionate exchange of opinions etc, someone who won't just roll over and agree for the sake of agreeing but will aire their own opinion.

You want to date a yes man Kat? Someone you never need to argue with cause they will always agree? It seemed that way from your earlier post.

Regarding marriage etc from the initial post. On my mothers side of the family, my parents, her brother and her parents all divorced (thats one entire side of my family last 2 generations all divorced). On my fathers side, there is my parents and it looks an awful lot like one of his 4 brothers is going to divorce (one is gay though and another died at 21 so only 2 other possible marriages). Leaving 2 successful relationships between both sides of my family in the last 2 generations (not good), also my GF of 3 years, her mother is in her 4th marriage now, we're in no hurry to marry and we're both pretty happy to just be together unmarried but owning our own house and cars at 30ish without getting married.

You want to date a yes man Kat? Someone you never need to argue with cause they will always agree? It seemed that way from your earlier post.

I want to date an individual not a leech. I never said couples didn't have passionate and firey disagreements, but yelling at each other???????

Sorry, I don't yell at my partner and he doesn't yell at me. That doesn't mean that we don't discuss things and we don't disagree.

Oh also, I'm not an attention seeker, hate being the centre of attention and I've never gone in for any of the fan fare most "special" occasions involve.

As such things that generally put you in the centre of attention I don't like, infact I'd say 95% of my mates wouldn't even know my birthday for that reason.

So yeah probably another reason why I don't feel like I need a wedding ceremony to know where I stand with the right woman.

there is no need for us to yell and argue with each other, most of our opinions and needs lie side by side, there are hardly any things that cause friction between us, with the possible exception of me playing games which i have decided to cut down on, as something i want to do.

why is there a need to yell and argue?

also brett, juyst in line with what youve said, my girlfriend's parents arent married, theyve been together for 25 years or something like that, her dad divorced his wife after 3 kids due to it not working, and her mum married at 19 and divorced soon after becuase she married for convenience and not love. they are in a defacto relationship but have been happily together for 25 years. so yeah, marriage isnt necessary, but weve decided we would like to get married, as a statement of final union so to speak

I met my current partner through work 8 years ago. We went out for about 5 months before the company went bust (.COM...company ... ). Moved in together on the 6th month, 7.5 years (will be 8 years in June year) later we're still together and still going strong, through all the thick and thin with usual crap with my work, her work and enormous stress of setting up and running our current business venture etc.

For us it didn't feel like 7.5 years at all, it's more like only a year or 2 ago since we moved in together, and only when we really think about it we relised it's been 7.5 years. And during all those times we probably ever really have 4 heated discussions, and all 4 were as a result of stress of setting up business.

So I guess sometimes things just worked out. If it didn't then I guess you haven't found the person for you simple as that.

You gotta love yourself b4 you can love someone else.

Thats my problem anyway.


Kat wtf happened to make u a single mum? Is yor partner dead?

Kat wtf happened to make u a single mum? Is yor partner dead?

My current partner is very much alive :) My ex is alive, as far as I know.

We weren't compatible so I ended the relationship

fair enuff, soz

Sorry to bring it up, but isnt he in jail or something? or am i mistaked
(dont think im trying to take a dig at you, tis a serious question)

JigZie, He was in jail a few years ago, but got out after a few months

ahhh ok sorry .

But I will pretend it was crazy talk then no one will argue with it.

don't talk finaince around here or morax will appear again.

got out? or got let out? :p

also since someone brought it up already, just wtf is that in your avatar? I know it's a head but.....?

got out? or got let out? :p

I have requested that him and his girlfriend refrain from talking about me and my life online, so I will do the same. No comment

also since someone brought it up already, just wtf is that in your avatar? I know it's a head but.....?

What do you think it is?

It looks like someone with a hideous birth defect.

Only a crim would have a hair cut like that.

Myself and my GF have been together for a bit over 1 year. We live together and have gone through alot already. At first it was hard, both of us having issues with trust among other things. It has gotten easier, we have slowly been plugging away at the challenges life throws our way. I've been to the hospital with Melanie more times then I have ever been, all over the last year and a bit. Buying a Nintendo DS might be a good investment for those many hours of waiting for doctors and whatnot. I wonder if they would let me play it in the hospital?

As for my thoughts on realationships, I belive that almost any 2 people could make a fair go of it, if they are both willing to work for it. If both people have similar beliefs in life, how to manage a family, and keep finances going well then its all good. I belive that a partner should not only be someone who feels right, they should also help you be a better person.

Only a crim would have a R32!

Hmm... an interesting thread...

Love, soul mates, partners, sex... all good things (=

I dated my now ex for just over a year (I'm 18 going on 19 now), hardly a old timer to talk of experience... But I learned a lot with her in regards to long term relationships.

I am one of those second people I guess! I left her because it just wasn't there for me. She was great and all... but I just didn't feel she was all that for me... I miss her of course but if I stayed it would have been for the sake of not being lonely (too much respect for myself and her for that).

I just keep meeting people getting out there... not being a bum! Already met heaps of nice girls... too bad the good ones are taken (damn can they flirt though!).

Love and relationships isn't for everyone... but nobody wants to be lonely. Each to his own... and just don't be owned by somebody else... Follow what you feel or want, easy sex is great!