#1 Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why the f*** didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

#2

A man and a woman are in divorce court fighting over custody of their children. The Judge can't be swayed either way so he decides to give each of them a minute to give their best argument as to why they should be given custody.

The woman starts and says to the Judge: "Your Honor, I carried those children for the 9 month pregnancy. Then I went through the pains of labor to bring them into this world. I should be given custody because of that."

The man stands up to speak and says: "Your Honor, if I put a dollar bill into a soda machine and out pops a soda, Who's soda is it? Mine or the machine's?"

#3

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

#4

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

#5

Two guys are sitting on a plane. Both have a black eye.

One guy leans over and asks the other guy how he got his black eye.

He goes "well, it was sort of a mixup of words, I was at the ticket counter and the ticket lady was hot as hell with some big tits. So instead of asking for a pair of tickets for the cities, I ask for a pair of pickets for those titties. Then she socked me".

So then he asks the other guy how he got his black eye, he replies, "I was eating breakfast with my wife and instead of telling her to pass the oat bran, I said 'you ruined my life you f***ing dumb bitch'."

#5 wins, burn the rest

#4 and #5 are Gold! Champ, thanks for a good laff

Here's a funny video of some people singing Simply the best
http://www.eternalfun.com/movies.php?id=175

ahah
Well done with regards to all of the above comedic literature.

hahaha love that last one
edit:that vid is like.. scary

last edited by Fuknukle at 21:25:27 29/Aug/04

haha #5 is great.

last one is decent, rest are s***

last edited by epi. at 21:32:01 29/Aug/04

I liked #2 and #5

I like the rising action.

like men's pole vaulting, nf usually rises to the occasion

from what i've heard about his tastes, einy needs a step ladder to rise to the occasion.

not funny but i just found this while lookin round

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We got the results back from your tests and we've found that you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well, no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

hehe not bad grunt.

those were great :)
now these are not:|

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

ROFL @ #4