HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.
Tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

FIRST POST.

Very funny !!

i will be parting these boards for a few hours today so bye bye people :)

Hahahah, classic.

ahahahhaha f***ing cack

How do you know when a man's about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with "A Woman once told me..."

Why men pee standing up.......

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple, whom he found sitting under an apple tree, that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?"

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who, well, had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly then he should have it. After all it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here? Oh yes... multiple orgasms....."

I know i shouldn,t but this is funny, muhahahaah!!

http://www.blondjokes.co.uk/imac.jpg

Radio Show

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian:Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter).
Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !

Radio Silence

woo-woo!

Heheheheheh,

Dangles, Necra, & Ember, that was some funny s***.

why dont women need drivers licences?

because there is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen

why haven't they sent any women to the moon?

because it doesn't need cleaning yet

why do women get married in white?

because thats the colour appliances come in

why do women have small feet

to stand closer to the sink

how many men does it take to open a can of beer

none - it should be open when the woman gives it to you

why dont women need watches?

there's a clock on the stove

why did the woman cross the road?

forget that, why is she out of the kitchen !@

what does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed

you made her chain too long

how many women does it take to change a light bulb?

none..let her cook in the dark


ehehhe =)

ahhhahah dangles, necra, ember fukin brilliant


cant decide which is funnyist

i say give the funnyist to necra!! :)

http://www.thejokeline.com/funnypictures/70.jpg

Tee hee !

Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10

WHY DO THEY SLAP BABIES WHEN THERE NEW BORN!!!


THE DICKS FALL OFF THE DUMB ONE'S

http://www.decadedance.com/tractorjunk/Level1/Items/wimac.jpg

This was the Womens Retort to the other one i posted, cept this one's not funny.

Why Women don't work on Cars.....

http://www.humorthem.com/pictures/mechanic.jpg

now necra just wants attention

oh and btw there boolons or somthing right?
buckets mabye

:P

f*** is Good, f*** is Funny
Everybody f***s, some for money
So if u think f*** is funny
Go f*** yourself and save some money.
tee hee
TAI MAI SHU!!!!!
well anywho, Necra needs therepy.
maybe u should do a group session with Mandy.
wait a minute, I've seen and heard chicks and pee standing. so don't give me this bs.
CHICKS CAN DO IT WHILE STANDING DAM IT, ask Mandy

P.S Mandy is Violent

/me thinks necra's picture was edited by some CRAP power goo newbie :P

and she better be getting me that beer :D

I only borught that BMW for her, since she only has to go to the bottleshop, and coles :P

BTW he breasts arent that big.

EniGma, me woves you, don't pick on me ! I don't need therapy :P

mandy's violent

hmmm stop degrading my post :P ..|..

Eat Me dangles!

apparently I taste like chicken.

hmmmmm, could be a connection there.

necra, u want some E's?

EniGma , wanna bite me !!

Gladly necra

HAHAH thats exactly what I do when I take a shower....I mean EXACTLY! phreaky s***

given teh length of your hair ross, you aint making any shampoo mowhawks

ME on the other hand!!!!! =]

can i bite u necra??

Ross has hair now... not much tho.

Trins wants to be like ross with his hair-do

my hair ownz u all :)

Hey you got this post from thehun.com i thought girls hated porno?

hmmmm

suuure :P

Girls hate Porno? What?

are u a hardcore porn enthusiast necra ?

Only if the Porn includes you dangles baby!

well yes yes it does! :)

You've prolly already read this but you never know

The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to p lay the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Q: Why did God give women legs?

A: So they dont leave a snail trail from the bedroom to the kitchen...

From the Girlfriend's Mouth

Top Ten Things You'll NEVER Hear your girlfriend Say

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p****!

4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Penthouse.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

Why can't men get mad cow's disease?

Cause they're all PIGS!!!

A Man's Answer

Top Ten answers men would love to give to women's stupid
questions:

1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
to you after tonite.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to look at it.

How to Satisfy

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.



How to Satisfy a Man Every Time:

Blow job

What does P.M.S stand for?
Potential Murder Suspect

necra you quite obviuosly have way to much spare time on your hands.

haha keep em coming necra

some of them have actually been funny too =)

necra, U sure u don't wanna join my therepy group?

I mean we can HELP u, with ur problems.

I don't think u are healthy to function in society.

I have pretty red pills.

U want some?

P.S Mandy is sus

They're ALL funny dammit !!!

I'm WOMEN AND I SAY SO :P

I don't NEEEEEEEEED Therapy dammit, i'm ok. I'm perfectly fine. Who said i wasn't ok?? Wasn't me, i know i'm ok! Did i say i'm FINE dammit, stop Patronisig me EniGma.

I am the voice of my own god !! Sif Bruce Willis doesnt OWN !

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman .
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.


"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

necra, if your eyes weren't so funny you'd be ok

:D

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: PRICELESS!

... There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

BTW

is it true Mandy's violent?

bahahahahahahahaha well done this thred is so f***ing GOOD well done

I have been informed by Eisntein that this is true, personally I disagree. Buuuut thought I'd post it anyway

The Girl - Boy Story
Girl and boy were having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They have a few drinks, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays overnight.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???


His story:
s***ty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though

Trifiling Thing Brothas Say
(...and what they really mean)

#10 - "I think I just need some space"
(...I've sexed you down now it's time to bounce)

#9 - "Baby I'm gonna kick it with the fellas today"
(...I need to go see my other girlfriend cause you're trippin')

#8 - "Hey Boo"
(..Damn, what is her name?)

#7 - "Girl, you know you can invite your friends over here anytime"
(..I need to scope them out in case we don't work out)

#6 - "Hey baby girl"
(..Damn, what is her name...hey man...what is her name?, damn!)

#5 - "Girl I'm gonna make you scream my name tonight"
(..The myth isn't true, I eat ?!$?*)

#4 - "I don't have a girlfriend right now, do you have a man"
(..I'm tryin to get all I can, do I have any competition)

#3 - "I just wanna chill tonight"
(..I'm broke this week, let's order pizza and go to blockbuster)

#2 - "My shower is broken, can I come over and use yours"
(..Maybe I'll get a chance to show her my six pack)

#1 - "I'm a romantic brother"
(..I'll send you flowers to knock them boots)

What We Think
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
**********
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????

His story:
**********
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some action though.

NECRA, that's the same post as Ember
Well f***en Duh!

sorry I had to point that out.

P.S Mandy is Violent and necra is taking red pills.
GunHo!

I wasnt reading the thread i weas just posting :(

mendy's violent

3 Types of People
There are 3 basic types of people in the world:
1. Those who can count.

2. Those who can't.

Mendy?
ehh?

hey necra, who's Rebecca?
is that dangles?

What do you mean who's Rebecca??

My name is Rebecca. Dork !

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

HI REBECCA!
tee hee

ummmmmm, i dunno.
U have this weird things with cats.
wouldn't be suprise if u grow old and have heaps of cats and when it rains u can smell the cat piss.

ewwwwwwwww, that's gross.

lets just hope u don't live in an apartment.

cheers
P.S Mandy is becoming restless. |:)

I rule!

Cats are Great, we do own 5, but i'm not going to smell like cats piss when i get older.

We got a new kitty too :) Its only 2 days old.

Completely irrelevant joke.

Q: Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs??

A: A paraplegic after a housefire...

Who realy cares what a woman does in the shower all I know is that they take 10 times longer than a guy does and it's a pain in the arse.