A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listens to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shakes his head sadly and says, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner starts wailing, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turns around and leaves the room only to return a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looks on in amazement, the dog stands on his hind legs, places his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the duck from top to bottom.
He then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet sighs sadly, pats the dog in a consoling way and takes him back out returning again in a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs delicately at the bird.
The cat sits back on its haunches, looks at the vet and meows softly before jumping off the bench and strolling out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and says once more, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill and hands it to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$350!", she cried, "$350 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet sighs an shrugs"I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

heh

meh

it's ok hermi, you tried :)

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

bean saves the thread

lol @ got bean

Second one for the win!

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

I thought Hermi's was good.

Hahahaha @ the sperm one.

8-)

That's also a true story :D