This email is doing the rounds at the moment. For those of you who didn't get it, apparently this was penned by a JP Morgan employee who had just handed in his resignation and had, over the course of working for the company, collected a fair amount of sand in his vagina:

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

I wonder if he'll be sued for slander given he mentions people by name.

haha spiffy!

does the email say it's a JPmorgan employee?

I heard it was Initech

and it was because of the TPS Reports

wow, thats harsh. sandy vagin++

The mention of Jamie Dimon would imply it is JPMorgan..

if he sent it only internally, the person who sent it out of the office would be in more trouble.

i know a guy going to work at JP in a few weeks...

good luck to him

Every call's a sale, either you sell the stock, or someone's selling you a bulls*** excuse.

I like. Stick it to the man.

this is tru! YOU MUST FORward it 2 everyone in you address book IMMEDIATELY!!!

actually it does seem to have some truth to it, i'm only saying this because they've included actual names...

tl dr

i applied for an internship there, don't think i got it but =(

I heard it was Initech

and it was because of the TPS Reports

Thread winner.

what's happening

i'll need those tps reports aysap

I want the time wasted back reading that piece of s***.

That's just an emo rant!

If you're going to quit, do it in style.

^Knives and throwing sticks 4 lyfe eh CHUB?

That's the last straw...
http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/7318/miltonvo5.jpg

last edited by exo at 22:45:16 23/Aug/07

Hahah.. seriously he sounds like a passive aggressive twat. Apparently work was so s*** yet he didn't do anything about it until he left? Gutsy. Did he quit or get fired? Either way he's a toss bag;)

Hahah.. seriously he sounds like a passive aggressive twat

in our country we call them solicitors

when I grow up I want to be self-employed, beyond the reach of office politics and most of all, a truely independant man

here's to living the dream =)

cheers!

yeah, it's pretty good. pretty pretty pretty PRETTY good.

when I grow up I want to be self-employed, beyond the reach of office politics and most of all, a truely independant man

here's to living the dream =)

Me too! wanna work for me?

when I grow up I want to be self-employed, beyond the reach of office politics and most of all, a truely independant man

here's to living the dream =)

ie losing super/holiday pay/sick leave/long service/hiding behind policy,
and gaining a need to have income protection/professional insurance/always on call/working insanely long hours just to stay competitive etc

amirite?

but you get all kinds of sweet tax breaks if you're crafty. plus i bet it's more satisfying.

i'll probably be an employee my whole life but, pretty hard to be self employed in what i wanna do.

ie losing super/holiday pay/sick leave/long service/hiding behind policy,
and gaining a need to have income protection/professional insurance/always on call/working insanely long hours just to stay competitive etc

amirite?

with that mentality, you will always be someone elses slave worker. You can stay that way and come work for me.

mr hardware strikes again

I have worked for myself before. I know both sides of the story. I'll stay a public servant thanks.

btw you're someone's slave whether you are an employee or self employed... thats how you get paid...

that might be how you got paid, but it doesn't mean it's how everyone gets paid

well you don't get paid for doing nothing do you, especially if you work for yourself.

depends on how you make money
slave is a pretty strong word, plenty of people make a point of not falling into that trap purely to increase their income.

all I'm getting at is 'urnotrite' to your original comment

Fight the machine.

Stick it to the man.

i see what your saying jim. There are avenues to make money without 'falling into that trap', but like i say, you then miss out on all the benefits of being an employee (leave etc). It is extremely hard to find an avenue of self-employment with all bases covered (not being a slave, enough time for yourself and making good money). That is why few people are self employed, and of the few that are, even fewer actually do well out of it. I am not saying it is impossible, i am saying it is extremely hard and very unlikely to be self employed and to be doing well both financially and lifestyle wise.

It is extremely hard to find an avenue of self-employment with all bases covered (not being a slave, enough time for yourself and making good money).

Hugh Hefner?
Plus he gets boobs rubbed in his face on command. So that's job satisfaction right there.
But maybe, in a way, he is a slave. A slave to his schlong.
Oh the humanity.

i hear those guys who started youtube are doing ok.

nah they're still slaves to something, i'm sure. poor guys...

your such a Downer Hardware

a range rover tried to enslave fnukle, but he broke free of that shackle and got a nice cheap motorbike

i hear those guys who started youtube are doing ok.

after being slaves. its unavoidable.

....

unless you dol bludge.