During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out."

"You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to and then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you."
"You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."
Every radio on the ground control frequency was completely silent. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.
Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high when suddenly from out of nowhere, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

started promising, went nowhere

If this joke was a black hole, it just sucked the funniness out of every joke within a 1,000,000km radius into it.

I heard his funeral will be on saturday.

I heard they just threw him in a shallow unmarked grave.

I liked the part where he said "Wasn't I married to you once?"

http://www.byrongliding.com/aviation_humour.htm

Aviation Humour is pretty bad guys

hosè and hose b

I got one:

An Economic lesson:

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows. You claim government subsidies for eight cows

http://photos.potatoz.net/albums/userpics/10001/normal_joke.gif

Phew, I read it and say there going "Huh??" but was too scared to post incase I was having a blonde moment

he deserved the graph.

Yeah, it's been a pretty unfunny week - that was the best I could come up with

Phew, I read it and say there going "Huh??" but was too scared to post incase I was having a blonde moment

i would like you to take this perspective EVERY time you post :)

ima just kiddin.

I am getting better

says who?

http://www.byrongliding.com/aviation_humour.htm

Aviation Humour is pretty bad guys

but i found this rather amusing:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

worst joke evar

ps fish LOL

last edited by infi at 22:41:10 09/Feb/06

A woman has nine children with her husband over the course of as many years. When he dies, the woman is distraught, but quickly remarries.

She bears seven more children, only to have her second husband kick the bucket on her as well.

The woman marries for the third time and has six more children before finally passing away herself.

At the woman's funeral, the priest prays for her soul.

"Dear God," the preacher says, "please protect the sould of this woman, who fulfilled your commandment to go forth and multiply. And we thank you, Lord, that they are finally together".

Leaning over to his neighbour, one of the mourners whispers, "Do you think he's referring to her first or second husband?"

The other mourner replies, "I think he means her legs".

last edited by natslovR at 22:46:56 09/Feb/06

his funeral was soon after the funeral he was already at

Fish FTW

fish saves the day

fish's funeral will be announced shortly

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4945563667086098025

blimey that must have taken a long time

Imagine how sore their legs would be from jumping.

from the aviation joke page

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

thats so my next funeral call

This on the aviation joke page made me laugh..

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi back to the terminal

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

pARODY wins!!
although this is an air joke thread so no, he doesnt really win.....

or something

Maybe they were on the airtrain?

so many joke threads, dunno where to post...

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For bexample, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.

so many joke threads, dunno where to post...

After that crap I really wish you wouldn't.

sif u can talk tan can

My jokes are better than the thing Wet just posted.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Billy, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Karen.
Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"



"Keep the f*** away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"

Both of those jokes were s***.

i heard TK's fisrt one, the second one gave me a giggle

tuff crowd this evening...