She felt compelled to escape from the agonising pain creeping up her leg. “Help me! Someone! Anyone!?” she yelped, being replied by only the sound of millions of blades of long grass colliding in the wind. She cursed under her breath at the throbbing pain, with the words she had only learnt a week ago from her mother, who had cut her hand badly while cooking. Thinking positively, Lakota thought she might get to visit her mum at the hospital, they might even be roommates... However this thought was swiftly interrupted by the throb of her body reminding her she had a crushed limb to attend to. She gazed upon the bloody heap previously known as her leg, and cringed at the sight. The metallic monster remained crushing her calf to the ground like an elephant sitting on a twig.

She had to get out; she had to get away from the abandoned mining cart, one way or another. Not only because she was sick from lying in a pond of her own blood, but because she was starting to feel nauseous. Regretting her decision to disregard her father proscribing playing around the cart, she decided to plan her escape. It was much heavier than anything she could lift, so she would have to pull herself out of the grasp of the rusted demon. Presupposing twisting or bending would be a bad idea; she chose to try to pull herself out of the wreck. She started by trying to pull herself out of the weight, but only winced from stretching her officious wound. She recalled a saying told by her father while he was taking out an ingrown toenail

“If you pull it out as fast and hard as you can, then it will be over much faster.”

So this time she decided to listen to the advice of her father. Summoning all the courage, and remaining strength within herself, she grabbed the surrounding dirt and grass near her arms and pulled.

The snapping bone rushed a jolt of pain straight to her head like a lightning bolt to a tree. She screamed in agony, her eyes only getting wider as she saw blood spraying up into the air. A lot of blood.

But suddenly, above her screaming, she heard a familiar voice shout out from afar. “Lakota!” a man shouted.

She figured he kept shouting something, but she couldn’t hear him well, her world was getting darker. The last thing Lakota heard was the steady running footsteps of the man, his curse words as he tried to heave the heavy cart off her, and the distant clashing of the long grass and leaves of trees in the distance. Her vision then was clouded blackness as she fell into the unconscious.



Awkward steps, shuffling. Someone was trudging slowly on a dusty ground, back and forth. Lakota’s eyes awakened to a crimpy cavern covered with dust and lit only by a lamp and speckles of sunlight from the entrance. Lakota’s lungs felt crushed and she found herself gasping for air. The dust intruded into her nostrils and she sneezed almost immediately. The figure that had been pacing erratically across the entrance halted. He stood up straight, looked at Lakota and sheathed what appeared to be a piece of shiny metal.

A cold silence filled the cavern, which was broken abruptly when Lakota sneezed again.

“Bless you” said the man, with his familiar, yet distant and piercing voice. “You’re silent, don’t you recognise me?” he exclaimed, only his silhouette being visible to Lakota.

“My leg is throbbing, it’s so painful” replied Lakota, more concerned with her injury than with the identity of the man standing in front of her. In the dampened light her fingers touched over a thick, tight bandage from her ankle to her hip. She could only just make out the red blood seeping through the white fabric.

“Don’t touch it!” snapped the man. “I wrapped your leg up and carried you out here to... I saved you, and that’s what matters.”

“Uncle?” Lakota queried, her head now throbbing almost as much as her leg. “I didn’t know you were allowed to get out of hospital. What are you doing out here again? I thought you were meant to sta..”

“I wasn’t meant to do anything, and I wasn’t in hospital. It was not a hospital, it was a jail. A jail to keep me quiet. But I’m free now. I’m here to save you Lakota”

“How did you know I needed to be saved?” she asked, being only replied by the cold stare and silence of the silhouetted figure. She flicked back her hair and sneezed again, the dust in the cavern was unbearable. “Where on earth are we anyway?”

“A secluded place. A safe place. Far away from everyone and everything. It’s just you and me here Lakota.” He stated in the distant voice again. Lakota raised her eyebrow, and inched away from her uncle.

So basically that's where I'm up to, the climax. However, I just can't think of what words to put in here, maybe I'm too tired, maybe my imagination has gone on vacation


Any whom the plotline following this is;

It is discovered the uncle is a schizophrenic, he is about to hurt, or maybe kill, Lakota because of one of his delusions (Maybe he thinks she has microscopic government "bugs" inside her, and he's going to use the knife to get them out of her? I don't know).

He has a knife in his pocket, they are in a cavern with a lamp, (is there anything else in the cavern?, you chose!)

Just as, or just before he begins hurting/killing Lakota, a policeman stomps into the cavern and kills or captures the uncle.

Twist: This experience has made Lakota schizophrenic.

comment/critique.

you're in year 10?

that's not a funny story

i think you need to add more funny

you're in year 10?

yep.

Dragons and ninjas, dragons and ninjas.

cliff notes?

Here's a story I did ages ago:

Quit Your Bitching

“What the hell?”
“Eh?”
“Come have a look.”
“What‘ve ya done this time ya git.”
I gave him a cold look. He wasn’t the brightest man on the planet, but Gary sure could fix a car. I pointed to the problem. He took one glance at my radiator.
“Ahh bloody hell lad there ain’t any liquid in ‘ere!” He scowled at me. “Didn't ya fill ‘er up yestie when I called ya?”
“I did! I don’t understand why it’s empty already...” He cut me off.
“Where did ya fill ‘er?” I pointed to the small tank on the side of the engine, and he slapped me across the back of the head.
“WHAT THE HELL!” I was about ready to hit him back. He calmly told me I’d filled up my windscreen washers with radiator fluid and that my radiator is stuffed and that my car is pretty much going to have to be written off. Well, maybe he didn’t say it that calmly and in so many words or… proper English, but the message got across: I suck with cars.

So the next day I was now without a way to get to work - which is an hour’s drive in a car, so I would never get there on public transport – I decided to take the day off. Ok, I got fired for faking a sickie, but that’s not the point. Or maybe it is: I suck at lying.

At least the subsequent 3-day weekend I got out of it sort of made me feel better. There’s nothing like a marathon session of gaming on my beefy PC to ease the pain. See, I’m a gamer, and I spend my free time how any self-respecting gamer would: wasting it. Well that is, until my $5000, 3 week old computer decided to call it quits. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a good idea to have my computer running at full tilt for 60-something straight hours. Hmm, so what’s the message here? Ahh, yes: I suck at self-control.

In less than a week, I’d gone from the guy who works the $100k a year job, drives the luxury Bentley, and spends all his free time pwning noobs…Sorry, that’s “beating others senseless in videogames” for the non-initiated; to the guy who sits on the couch watching TV and eating junk all day, Every day. I suck at finding the darn remote when the bloody ads are on.

I don’t know what had happened to me. Oh wait, yes I do – Everything went wrong. Well, not everything, my girlfriend was coming back from Italy that day. After nearly a month without her, I was deeply worried she’d found a hot Italian stud and ran off with him. This was my voicemail when I woke up that morning:
“You have one new message, message received today at 9:35 AM, message begins:”
“Uhh... hey hun. I’m uhh... well I’m not sure how to say this, but I found another man, I’m going to stay over here. Sorry.”
“Message ends, to save this message, press – beep beep beep”
Saw that coming a mile away. I suck at keeping my girlfriend away from hot Italian studs.


So I know what you’re thinking. “Poor guy, things must be about to turn around for him soon.” Well… I hope that’s what you’re thinking, you heartless bastards. Anyway, you’d be wrong. “Oh no! What could go wrong for this poor man now?” Hmm, noticed how there’s been no deaths in my life yet? Yeah well, that changes now. Both my grandparents and their dog, Feather, had been killed in a car crash. I really liked that dog too. “That heartless bastard, he sucks at showing emotions for lost loved ones.”

It was at this point, I thought about selling my story to one of those sappy girly magazines.
“Women’s weekly how many I help you?”
“Uhh yeah, I’ve got a story I thought you might be interested in.”
“One moment please.” She put me on hold. For 50 minutes. I would’ve hung up; except it’s not like I had anything else to do. After a while, a man came on. I explained a little bit of my story to him.
“Please leave your details and we’ll send someone out to get your full story on Monday.” I left my details. It was Friday. 3 more days till any possible income. I did little that weekend, but at least nothing bad happened to me. Monday came around. I waited, and waited; nothing. No one came around. I rang them up again on Tuesday. They told me my story had been replaced with an ad for Pantene.
“Hair up to 5 times silkier and 3 times as strong!” the women’s weekly person said to me as they hung up. That’s not cool – now even receptionists are mocking me. I suck at getting my sap story in to girly magazines.

I suppose after all that’s happened to me over the past few weeks, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson. No matter how bad things might seem…
“They could be worse?”
Nope. And don’t interrupt my ending.
“Sorry”
You better be. Ahem. Anyway, No matter how bad they seem, they can’t be any better, and they can’t be any worse, because that’s the way things are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit your bitching.
“Why are you quoting Red vs. Blue for your ending?”
I suck at endings.

tl;dr

Clint, you're annoying.


Cliffs notes;

-Girl about to die of blood loss, but is saved by uncle.

-Uncle takes girl to remote cave

-Uncle attacks girl because he's schizophrenic

-Cop comes in, kills uncle, saves girl

-Girl is a schizophrenic.

:)

last edited by Phooks at 13:44:15 11/Nov/07

Rev's story is the best.

Easily.

Can't beat that.


Or submit it to my teacher, sadly.

haha rev's story ftw

yes am wondering if i can "borrow" any of these when I do my sons assignments

tl;dr

Can't help with the ending. But imo every sentence in this section could use some work:

Regretting her decision to disregard her father proscribing playing around the cart, she decided to plan her escape. It was much heavier than anything she could lift, so she would have to pull herself out of the grasp of the rusted demon. Presupposing twisting or bending would be a bad idea; she chose to try to pull herself out of the wreck. She started by trying to pull herself out of the weight, but only winced from stretching her officious wound. She recalled a saying told by her father while he was taking out an ingrown toenail

I don't want to do your homework for you but here's a just a couple of ideas (TO WORK WITH) that may flow better.
'Regretting that she had disregarded her father's warning against playing around the mine cart, she decided to plan her escape.
'She recalled something her father once said while removing an ingrown toenail'

Also, if you pull some less common words from the thesaurus, make sure they fit really well and don't over do it.

last edited by Dan at 14:49:51 11/Nov/07

Cheers much Dan.

longer sentences are not always better, they get too complicated and stop flowing well. and yea as dan said, be careful when using a thesaurus. better to choose a word that sounds good that you have actually heard of before so you know it's something that people might use more frequently, rather than being overly technical and not actually fitting in with what you're trying to say.

needs more f***ing and punching

last edited by paveway at 15:13:43 11/Nov/07

He's only 15 and a guy! Give him 1 more year and a sex change and I'm sure his stories will have that pave.

My stories had f***ing and punching at 13

you f***ing scab, there's a writers strike on in case you hadn't noticed

More dragons.

s*** story u little c***

would of been better if the uncle raped the girl and he got away with it..
your story fails.

I think you missed paves californication reference fyi

I too think you should throw in the twist consiting of Dragons and Ninja... and pirats for good measure.

O and flying monkies..

The advice I could offer would be to stick to words and grammar you are fully familiar and comfortable with.

First of all good to see you posted this up. It's hard to have your writing read by strangers. For your age/level I think this isn't a bad effort and you have certainly thought a lot about the story which is good to see. The following is meant to give you some ideas on how to improve your story, not to say it's bad or anything. Sorry if it sounds condescending: it's not meant to be.

Anyway a few tips.

Don't try to overwrite the story. It's better to use shorter sharper sentences to get (in this case) a sense of urgency. In some ways being overly descriptive can slow the pace and bog the reader down in redundant detail. You obviously like writing though and it's clear you are using your imagination here. Just technical stuff to tidy up really. eg.

She felt compelled to escape from the agonising pain creeping up her leg.

Ok. First of all "compelled" is not the strongest word to use here. It's a little too thoughtful, and gives the reader the idea she is thinking about it. She's not thinking, she is desperate: her leg is crushed. And we can assume if she felt "agonising pain" she would be desperate to escape it.

One of the golden rules here is "show, don't tell". Basically what this means is paint the picture for the reader, give them the info but don't give them too much of what characters are thinking or their motivations; this assumes your reader needs to be spoon-fed, and most people don't like that. Instead, give them enough info so that they must read on and they can fill in the rest. That's why people like reading because a good book will allow the reader to create the picture in their head. For instance a character in your story might be angry. Instead of saying "John felt angry about then incident that morning" say something like "John stepped off the porch and stomped towards his car, his eyes fixed straight ahead." See it doesn't "tell" the reader he is angry, it "shows" them that he is all pissed off through his actions or what he says etc. It helps the reader to picture what is going on.

So something like:

Her fingernails dug into the hard-packed earth beneath her as an agonising bolt of pain shot up her leg.

The next sentence:

“Help me! Someone! Anyone!?” she yelped, being replied by only the sound of millions of blades of long grass colliding in the wind.

Ok, she isn't going to "yelp". She is going to scream. Her leg is crushed. She is in a lot of pain. You yelp when you kick your toe.

being replied by only the sound of millions of blades of long grass colliding in the wind.

This is a little drawn out. I see what you are getting at, but it is a little unclear. It is a quiet sound, so again "colliding" is not the best word to use.


So:

"Help me," she screamed, her words echoing above her. "Someone please.. Help me." A soft wind rustled leaves nearby, filling the silence her strained voice had left in it's wake. Nothing moved. Her body began to shake.

Next:

She cursed under her breath at the throbbing pain, with the words she had only learnt a week ago from her mother, who had cut her hand badly while cooking.

Too much unnecessary info here. This is not time to tell the reader that she learned to swear form her mother only recently. It is life or death, so keep that momentum. eg.

Moving in any direction drove splinters into her bones. She spat a curse under her breath and closed her eyes. There was no escape from the pain. It circled her like a wild animal, swirling and shifting, making it hard to think. Making it hard to breath. It surrounded her as she lay helpless and suddenly her panic gave way to exhaustion.


I don't mean to be overly critical, I am trying to point out that by simplifying your sentences and putting yourself in the moment you will be able to give the reader a better understanding of the story.


pm me if you want/need more advice. Only too happy to help :)

Haven't read the OP's story, but very constructive post IV.

I think you missed paves californication reference fyi

Who do you think missed it?

It's also important to avoid purple prose. That is, don't over explain or describe things.

It's also important to avoid purple prose. That is, don't over explain or describe things.

Depends on the story.

You can describe surroundings in detail if you are introducing a new environment/change of environment that the reader hasn't read before and is critical to the story.

I think what Crizane is referring to is things like "she swore under her breath after learning from her mother the words that her mother had used when she cut her hand slicing a large onion the tuesday before getting ready for the church picnic"

Description is often necessary but the hard part is choosing what to put in and what to leave out. As I said earlier, too much unnecessary info can bog down the pace of the story and bore the reader.

Decide what is vital for the story and ditch everything else.


Have you handed in your story yet??

Due in tomorrow.

Short story writing is fun. No doubt about it. Here's a few tips on sentence structure that the worshipped George Orwell recommended:

1. What am I trying to say?
2. What words will express it?
3. What image or idiom will make it clearer? (similes and metaphors)
4. Is the image fresh (relevant/visual) enough to have an effect?

Then ask two more questions:
5. Could I put it more shortly? (Can words be removed and yet convey the same message?)
6. Have I said anything avoidably ugly? (Work had to make your sentences sound natural even conversational.)

These tips come in handy for all writing.

last edited by infi at 17:47:57 13/Nov/07

Use less thesaurus.