A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Barkeep, I'll have a beer, and a MOP!"

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had nobody to go with!!!

BAHAHA. Continue.

haha

what is grey?

a melted penguin!

hahaha

a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

lolz, roffles, pmsl and rolf

Whats better than winning the special olypics?

Having legs.

2 flies sitting on a toilet bowl.. 1 got pissed off :D

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

Two cows were standing in a paddock. One cow said, "Moo." The other one replied, "s***, I was about to say that."

Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice

Why did the lemon cross the road? It wanted to play squash

What's big andwhite and sits in the corner? A naughty refrigerator.

Why are elephants big, and grey and wrinkly? Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

HAHA

Two peanuts walked down a dark alley. One was a salted.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Different poles?

Q: What did the Mexican fireman call his twin boys?
A: Jose and Hose B

What's brown and sounds like a bell?




DUNG!

What's invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey burps.

hahahah they were awesome hardware. This one

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Different poles?

was only funny because of the use of the question mark

i'm so metal ur tongue sticks to me in winter


i'm so hip ur grandpa broke me

Q: Whats a shihtzu?


A: A zoo with no animals.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....

This baby polar bear was sat with his mum on an ice berg.

"Mum," he asked, "am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes darling, of course you are." his mother answered.

"Yeah but, am I a proper polar bear, you know, a real one?"

"Yes dear," his mum replied, "You're dad is a polar bear, I'm a polar bear and your sister's a polar bear."

"I know that mum," he said, "but am I a proper polar bear?"

"Of course you are" said his mum, "now shut up and eat your penguin."

A minute later the baby polar bear asks "Mum, I know what you've said, but am I really a proper polar bear?"

"Look," she says, "you are a proper bloody polar bear alright. What's wrong with you? Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Well," he replies, "I'm f***ing freezing"

lol at penguin

An English count was riding in his carriage though a forest in northern England on his way back to his castle. On the way his driver stopped the carriage and tapped on the roof.

"Why have we stopped" asked the Count.

"Well Sir, there are two priests standing in the middle of the road holding a sign". The driver replied.

The count looked out the window to read the priests sign "The end is neigh". Furious, the Count screamed "Charge the horses at full speed, and do not stop for anything and if those priests don't get out of my way, run them down!"

A few seconds later the priests heard a huge crash. The younger of the two priests said, "That's the 3rd this afternoon. Maybe we should just change the sign to say 'the bridge is out'".

last edited by typo at 15:22:39 04/Jan/07

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.

When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"

nigga whaaaaat

What do you call a gay Dinosaur?

A MegaSoreAss.

Little Timmy loved clowns. He had a clown bed, clown clothes, clown wall paper, clown hats, clown pencil cases, clown underpants, clown plates ... all he'd do is talk about how much he loved clowns. He even started a clown appreciation society.

So, one day as he was walking home from school he saw a sign that said "The Bogan Circus is coming to town". Naturally, you can understand little Timmy's excitement, because a circus meant clowns.

Timmy inspired the clown appreciation society into over drive to produce a huge welcome banner "Welcome Clowns of the Bogan Circus" and started a pie drive to pay for extra clown shows. He was so excited he couldn't wait for the circus to arrive.

Anyway, the day finally arrived and little Timmy was almost pee'ing himself in excitement. He got down to the route the circus would come into town and waited.

Finally, the circus procession started. First came the huge elephants trumpeting their entry, but Timmy wasn't interested in the Elephants. Then floats showing the freakshow came though, and even though the bearded lady and the cyclops were pretty funny he wasn't really interested in them. Then came the acrobats, who would put themselves into strange positions, balancing on poles or even walking on huge stilts, and while Timmy was strangely aroused at the women bending over in strange positions he really wasn't interested in them ...

Finally the clown car came into view. The clowns where bouncing around, honking their horns, and spashing water from their flowers into the faces of childern. Timmy was so excited he was afraid that a little bit of poo might have escaped.

Timmy followed the procession back to the circus grounds and got himself tickets to see all 42 of the clown displays and then quickly went into the grand pavilion to await the clowns.

Eventually, the clowns came out and did their first performance. Timmy was delirious with joy as he watched the clowns do their thing. He laughed as they ran into each other. He spat fairy floss when 55 clowns came out of the same car. He cried when one of the clowns almost died from a heart attack.

Eventually, the leader of the clowns got a microphone and said ... "We have a special routine that we need help from a member of the audience. Does anybody want to help us?

Timmy almost pissed his pants with joy. He stuck his hand up so high, it started to hurt. Then the lights started to dim, and a giant spot light started to spin around and around. Eventually landing on Timmy. Grunting with orgamasic force Timmy jumped up and ran into the centre of the stadium. Standing side by side with his hero of hero, the leader of the Clowns, Bozo the Clown.

Bozo sat down on a chair and put Timmy on his knee. "What's your name son?"

"Timmy"

"Well Timmy, we are going to play a little game, are you ready for it?" asked Bozo.

"I SURE AM!" Timmy yelled gleefully.

"Timmy, are you the ears of a donkey?"

"No."

"Timmy, are you the head of a donkey?"

"Um, no Sir, I'm not."

"Timmy, are you the body of a donkey?"

"Not at all"

"Timmy, are you the feet of a donkey?"

"Um, no".

"Well Timmy, that must make you the donkey's ass!"

With that the entire stadium roared into laughter. The entire stadium other than Timmy.

Timmy was devastated. He ran home and tore down his clown posters. He burnt his clown clothes. He broke his clown bed. He smashed his clown plates. After days and days of crying Timmy came to a realisation ... he hated clowns and they must pay.

Timmy hopped on the internet and researched all he could about the ultimate insults and eventually found an exclusive school that taught people to give bitter, bitter sarcasm that could, if used correctly, kill. Timmy convinced his parents to let him quit regular school, and allow him to work at Woolies so he could save enough money to go to this special school. Reluctantly, his parents agreed.

Timmy worked day and night at Woolworths, becoming a legend in the local fill community. He never talked to anybody other than to acknowledge their request and he would work tirelessly, as if possessed.

Eventually, Timmy saved enough cash to go to the exclusive insult school. There Timmy was a star pupil learning anything and everything that people would teach him. His study soon became an art form.

Armed with his now awesome powers of insultation (the art of the killing insult), he returned home to bide his time.

Eventually the Bogan Circus came back to town. Timmy went to the side of the street to await his mortal opponents, the clowns. He watched as the Elephants trumpeted the arrival of the circus, but it only filled him with rage. He watched as the freakshow came though, but he only felt pitty as they had to work with Clowns. The acrobats still stirred him in unnatural ways, but still he wouldn't let himself get distracted by gaping gash protected by only a thin leotard. Eventually, they appeared. As they approached, Timmy could feel fates hand upon him; it was Timmy's time for vengeance.

Timmy followed the procession back to the Circus's came and bought a single ticket. He sat in the exact same spot that he did all those years ago and awaited for the clowns. Soon enough those bumbling idiots where doing there thing. Timmy felt insulted that after all this time these clowns where doing the exact same tricks. The stupid running into each other. Getting out of a small car. Eventually, Bozo - the leader of the clowns - grabbed a microphone and said ...

"We have a special trick that we need a member of the audience to assist us with".

Timmy's hand was already in the air.

The light spun around and around the tent. As fate would have it, the light appeared right on Timmy. Slowly, and confidently Timmy walked into the middle of the arena.

Bozo stood next to Timmy and asked, "What's your name?"

"Timmy"

"Well Timmy, we are going to play a little game, are you ready for it?" asked Bozo.

"Yes, I am." Timmy yelled gleefully.

"Timmy, are you the ears of a donkey?"

"No."

"Timmy, are you the head of a donkey?"

"No."

"Timmy, are you the body of a donkey?"

"No."

"Timmy, are you the feet of a donkey?"

"No."

"Well Timmy, that must make you the donkey's ass!"

With that the entire stadium roared into laughter. The entire stadium other than Timmy, who glared death at Bozo. Eventually the audience stopped laughing, as they realised that Timmy was going to say something. Looking at Timmy you could tell that he was preparing the greatest insult known to man kind. An insult, that may kill.

Timmy looked the clown straight into the eyes and like a song that will mark this worlds destruction screamed ...






















f*** OFF CLOWN!

i can't believe i read all of that...

i can't believe i read all of that...

It's great to inflict on people that you don't know!

I have another one that I can't remember quite as well called the extractor fan.

Actually, I have heaps of jokes like that. I tell them to people stuck at airports.

I just went up to my lil 6 year old brother and said: "oi brah, what do you call a gay dinosaur?"

Unsure what to say and in all seriousness he goes: "barney?"

http://images.google.com.au/images?q=tbn:ZTyZ8fFNEwwdjM:http://www.richkern.com/vb/Articles/Lions/barney.jpg

ROFL ME DEAD!!!

what is the sound of an elephant falling off a cliff?








































































Bom bom...

I just went up to my lil 6 year old brother and said: "oi brah, what do you call a gay dinosaur?"

Unsure what to say and in all seriousness he goes: "barney?"

Ahh the wisdom of youth.

Typo - NO. Just NO.

I just went up to my lil 6 year old brother and said: "oi brah, what do you call a gay dinosaur?"

Unsure what to say and in all seriousness he goes: "barney?"

was that the little kid who swears his head off? He's funny.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map...

gold star for you.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?

A: Your nose touches the ceiling.


Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

A: Giant footprints in the butter.

1. Fish jumped into a wall...


... DAMN!

what do you call a bunch of zombies in a swimmimg pool?....

Soup!

What did the epileptic kid's mum do when he jumped in the pool?

Throw in the washing.

Why did the leper stop going to dinner parties?

He was tired of people dipping jatz in his back.

What's yellow and can't swim 25 metres?

A bulldozer.

what did the leper say to the prostitute after he humped her?

.. keep the tip

how do you confuse a retard?

There was once this irishman who lost his job and family, so he decided to join the army. He trained in the army for years and then one day the war broke out. However, because of budget cuts only every second person got a gun. He missed out on getting a gun but instead the officer told him to point his finger and shout "bang bang". Initially the soldier was dumbfounded but was immediately thrown into the action. He was on the battlefield then all of a sudden a german popped up, instinctively he pointed his finger at the german and shouted "bang bang". The german's chest exploded and he fell to the ground. The irishman was fukin bewildered, he had no idea wat was going on. But without another second to think, another german popped up. "bang bang" again the irish man shot another german. He didn't know wat was going on, but he went along shooting another 5 or so germans. Then after about 30 mins another german popped up, "bang bang" he said while pointing his finger. Nothing happened... "bang bang" again he shot his fingers, but again nothing happened. Then all of a sudden he felt a searing pain in his chest. He looked down and blood was pouring out of a hole in his chest. And then again another bullet ripped through his chest. As he felt down to his knees, moments from passing out he heard the german going past and chanting "tanka tanka tanka".

that's some quality lameness there, rev!

tuffy you got it all wrong, it's "what happens when 2 elephants fall of a cliffe? boom boom"

also

Q. What is the worst part about eating bald pussy?
A. Putting the diaper back on.

s*** talk about bad taste.

AND HOW!

Haha

Ok guys I got rid of them. I admit a couple were a tad overboard.

8-)

This is a story of Sarah, the Princess of the Lobster Kingdom. Sarah was a beautiful Lobster, Lobster Princess and Poets would write poems or sing songs praising her good looks, her witty charms and her charitable personality. However, Sarah turned down all of these advances because she was in love. In love with a common Crab called Bruce.

Sarah and Bruce had a chivalric love. They would spend their days watching the playful sea monkeys, bathing in the warm delights of coral shallows and dancing in the moon light on tidal shores. However, when her father, King William Lobster the IX walked in on them holding claws, and discovered that Sarah loved a common crab, he was furious.

"Sarah you filthy slut. How dare you sully your good lobster heritage", the King barked. "Soiling your royal oats with a filthy crab ... they can't even walk straight."

Sarah tried to explain "But daddy, it's not like that. We spend our tim..."

"I don't want to hear the common trash activities that sluts get up to.", The king interrupted. "Maybe we can marry you off to some poor sucker who doesn't know how filthy you are.". The king turned to his scribe, "Scribe, announce to all the land that in one months time there will be a great fancy dress ball. All of the Nobles are to appear and they are each to offer a proposal for the Princess's hand in marriage, he with the greatest proposal will win her hand in marriage. The winner will be announced at midnight of the ball".

Sarah was devastated and cried every day until the day of the ball.

On the night of the ball all of the noble lobsters appeared in their best costumes. Some lobsters came with proposals of alliances and riches. While others came with long epic poems and songs that made a proposal of love and honour towards their fair princess.

This made the King happy. Somehow he had managed to avoid the news of his filthy slut of a daughters activities and as such he would be able to salvage his daughters reputation.

As the night came towards midnight a growing level of apprehension started to form over the lobsters. As the minutes strolled by, more and more dukes and counts would stand gathered at the giant lobster clock near the front enterence of the ball room. Then at the stroke of midnight, moments before the King was to announce to the world who would marry his Princess something strange happened.

The door was kicked open and standing there was Bruce the crab. Princess Sarah screamed with joy as she saw her loved one standing there, assuringly to rescue her from her horrible fate.

Before anybody could do anything Bruce looked directly at the King and took one stagging unsettled step forward. Then, with great effort he took another step forward and then another. Every now and then Bruce had to stop, and before taking another step appearing that he was drawing on a wealth of focus and will power. Eventually, Bruce made it all the up to the king. Then with his beady little eyes, he looked right into the Kings beady little eyes and said ...














f*** I'M PISSED

Whats better, eating a mandarine or eating amanda out?

What did one farmers neighbour say to the other farmer? Hows your farm?


Hey man, do you remember your first blow job? What did it taste like?

^ I get alot of people with the last one :P worst answer so far is "Old boot leather"

Why can't cows walk down stairs ?

Because the milk comes out their nose!

OMG ROFEL!! *snort*

What's green and has wheels?

A frog, I lied about the wheels!



Why did sally fall off the swing?

Because sally was a rock!


Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a tomato!

Q. What did the big balloon say to the little balloon?
A. Nothing. Balloons cant talk.

Q. Why did your mum scream?
A. I f***ed her in the ass.

haha fnukle you've done it again.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says, "sorry pal, we don't serve string in here.".

So the string goes outside and twists himself up, then returns inside and sits up on the bar stool.

The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?" and the strings says, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!".

A gorilla enters a bar, sits down on a stool and orders a beer.

The bartender, thinking that an ape can't be all to smart, charges him ten bucks for the drink.

Out of curiosity, the bartender decides to small talk the ape.

He says: "We don't get many of your kind in here!"

The gorilla replies: "At these prices I can see why!"

Bumper Sticker

Dyslexics of the World UNTIE!

Whats the hardest thing about cooking vegetables ??
Getting the wheelchair in the oven LOLOL

Q. Why don't pussies ever save people from burning buildings?


A. Because they're c***s!

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
*someone threw a fridge at him.
why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
*got hit by the first falling koala
why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
*got hit by 2 falling koalas and a fridge
why did the forth koala fall out of the tree?
*thought it was a game
why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
*peer pressure
why did the man fall off his bike?
*got hit by 5 falling koalas and a fridge
why did the second man fall off his bike?
*it was a tandem bike.


why did the girl fall off the swing?
*she had no arms

why did the one armed girl fall off the swing?
*someone waved at her.


two sausages sizzling away in a frying pan. one sausage turns to the other sausage and says
"hot in ere init.."
second sausage replies
"OH MY GOD ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE


what do you find in the middle of paris?
*R

three guys walk into a bar
*would have though one of the first two guys would have spotted it.

englishman , irishman and a scotman walk into a bar.
bartender says "ok fellas whats the joke"


stop me if you've heard it... a baby seal walks into a club

--variation--

baby seal walks into a pub, bartender says "what'll it be"
baby seal replies "canadian club please"


whats big green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
*a pool table

why couldnt billy ride a bike?
*billy was a jellyfish

Whatdo you call a blind dinosaur ?

Dont-think-he-saurus.

What do you call a blind dinosaur talking to his seeing eye dog ?

Dont-think-he-saurus Rex.





Yep, theyre bad, in fact that's why I call em "Dad-jokes"..........

Kinda like train wrecks really,

Cheers

Das Meat/-\xe

ur sig is a train wreck

Why do woman get periods?
Because the f***en deserve em!

why do women have boobs?
so you have something to look at while you're talking to them ololo

Why does your mum have boobs?
So I've got something to grab onto while I'm f***ing her in the arse

ahaha

old

O fair go mate, shes only 78

http://fileanchor.com/82852-r.jpeg

q: why didn't Hellen Keller have fun at the zoo?
a: because she couldn't see or hear any of the animals

q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
a: She tried to answer the waffle iron

q: How did Hellen Keller burn the other side of her face?
a: The waffle iron called back

q: Why did Hellen Keller's dog jump off a cliff?
a: You would too if your name was FRArrafblahmentogalopy....

q: How do you Punish Hellen Keller?
a: Rearrange the Furniture.
a2: Give her a basketball and tell her to read it.
a3: Stick doorknobs to the walls.

q: What did hellen keller get for christmas?
a: Polio, she had everything else.

q+a: Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony. She stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

q: How do you get helen keller to keep a secret?
a: Break her fingers

q: What's helen keller's favorite color?
a1: Black
a2: Corduroy
a3: Velcro

q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
a: On a blind date

q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
a1: She's a woman.
a2: She's dead.

q: Define true love.
a: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
a: Neither did she.

q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
a: Answering the stapler.

When/how did Helen Keller get burnt?

gotta bring out the old mummy mummy jokes

1. Mummy Mummy i don't want to go to England, shutup and keep swimming.
2. Mummy Mummy daddy's going out, shutup and throw some more petrol on him.
3. Mummy Mummy i don't like daddy anymore, shutup and eat the eye ball.


Duck walks into a bar oneday and asks for some food, the bartender replies "we don't sell food here only alcohol" so the duck walks out and comes back the following day asking if they have any food again, the bartender replies "no we don't have any food today sorry". So the duck walks out, comes back the following day and asks again if they have any food, the bartender replies "look we didn't have any food yesterday or the day before what makes you think we'll have some today? now if u ask that same bloody question again im going to nail you to the wall", so the duck shrugs and walks out. Comes back the following day and asks the bartender if he has any nails, confused the bartender replies "No?" so the duck says "Got any food?".

what did the gold fish say to the koala?

get out of my fish tank

was the bar the paddo?

How do you make a sausage roll?





























You push it.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was
artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts
& hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts
& hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

fpot, u owe me one half of a salami sandwich and a clean keyboard

Actually eds does.

I was walking past a restaurant the other day that had a sign out the front saying "Breakfast Any Time", so I went in and asked for french toast during the renaissance.

Walked up to a convenience store that said "Open 24hrs!", and the guy was closing up...
"The sign says Open 24hrs?"
"Yeah, but not in a row."

whats the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?





you can't jump on a trampoline with your shoes on.

http://www.gutterbunny.com/jamesbrown.jpg

hahah parody

Earlier this week a man was caught drilling a hole thru a nudist colony fence. Police are now looking into it.

A woman was found dead in her bathtub, filled with milk and cornflakes.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

A man walks on to a plane with a dead meer cat under one arm and a dead pole cat under the other arm.
the hostess says "i'm sorry sir, there's only one carry on per person."

What's the difference between period blood and sand?




You can't gargle with sand.

gross ryan

What's the difference between period blood and sand?




You can't gargle with sand.

:|

What did the grape do when it was stepped on?

Let out a little whine!


What did the fish say when he swan in a wall?


Dam

LOLOLOL

What's brown and sticky?













































































A stick.

Oh man after so many enters i was so anxious to find out.

What goes in Hard and straight and comes out soft and sticky?





































Chewing Gum.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side

If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff at the same time who would reach the bottom first?
The brunette because the blonde would stop and ask for directions

And here's a pretty bad 1

Whats black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim

Whats brown and funny?

Clown poo.