A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

…

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.

hahahahahha

hehehe I giggled

hahaha nice work

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000klms since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
Oil Change $55.00 Coffee $2.50 Total $57.50



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.

2) Stop by Liquorland and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 combination spanner.

9) Give up and use pliers.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil - splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) A mate shows up - finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Liquorland buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground. Wash drain plug in lawn mower fuel.

29) Discover that first Litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floor pan in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing fit.

34) Throw stupid pliers.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during (steps 23-43.)

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $95.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $60.00
Total-- $4230.00

LOL Steele

Steele : that was good

Kat's long winded story of her incompetent husband sucked.

last edited by Loki at 14:59:35 10/Feb/06

That is a terrible story kat, only a retarded woman would get her oil changed like that, along with a retarded man.

It takes a whole of 2 minutes to open the cap, pour it in, and close it back up again.

ps: maybe more like 30s

Kat wrecked my thread :'(

Sorry Steele

Casa I really hope you change your oil and not just top it up..

Oh well, we'll see what happens to casa's awd and his willingness to pay out other people's cars if he just tops it up and never changes it or the filter.

http://images.ausimages.com/upload/2006-02-10/untitled.jpg
f*****s

last edited by r_mazing at 16:29:35 10/Feb/06

i dont get it :(

i dont get it :(

Basically, the money will be taken off him anyway so the money that we paid back his mate is pretty much null and void. But because he said he paid it, he won't owe his mate any money.

Sorry it's not any funnier when I explain it but, the joke wasn't that funny in the 1st place so.....

and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish

?

And I liked Kat's thing *shock*

Casa I really hope you change your oil and not just top it up..

Nah you just put a small puncture at the bottom of the sump and let the used oil slowly seep away while you drive, and top it up with fresh oil every weekend. That way you always have clean oil.

That would be awesome fun on the road if every car leaked that much oil!

r_mazing, that joke, was like, really average, boring, and, lame.

yes i was just adding a joke to replicate the funniness of the others

Sure you were.

Nah you just put a small puncture at the bottom of the sump and let the used oil slowly seep away while you drive, and top it up with fresh oil every weekend. That way you always have clean oil.

Hey, does that work?

Hey, does that work?

By work do you mean always having clean oil or killing motorcyclists?

MWHAHAHAHA

I love the first one =)
Specially since I modified the original joke to be in Darwin and involved a black fella an a croc in the first place LOL
Admittedly, it was a Ute in place of the Porsche and a palette of goon in place of the Rolex but all else is the same =)

God I love the net. I wonder if I still have the original floating around somewhere =)
Anyway, this was my version of it

A man living in Darwin recently wins the lotto and decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his mates, neighbors and Jimmy, one of the local aboriginals from the pub.
He holds the party around the pool in the backyard of his new mansion and everyone's having a great time drinking heaps of beer, dancing an eating heaps of seafood
At the height of the party, the lotto winner gets everyones attention an announces that he has a bit of entertainment planned,

"I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in and can beat it"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and sees Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking the s*** out f it! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, even biting the croc on the tail at one stage before flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor churning and splashing water everywhere.

Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangles the croc and it floats to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the lotto winner says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"Nah, it's right, I don't want it," said Jimmy while looking around.
The lotto winner said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet, how about half a million bucks then?"

"Nah thanks cuz. Don't want it" answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something that was amazing. How about a couple of cases of goon an new ute?"
Still looking around Jimmy says "Nah thanks cuz".

Confused, the now rich man asks, "Well Jimmy, then is their anything that you want?"
Jimmy stops looking around an stares the host in the eye an says

"I want the name of the c*** who pushed me in the Pool"

Actually, I think that I even posted it here about a year ago

Yeh I remember reading it a while ago...

Orbs knows where its at ;)

Oh well, we'll see what happens to casa's awd and his willingness to pay out other people's cars if he just tops it up and never changes it or the filter.

Holy f*** f***!
I have never ever paid out on someone elses car... except for pavegay.

last edited by casa at 18:20:20 10/Feb/06